i have a couple things to say

why is everyone so fucking power hungry? why do people need attention direct at them 24-fucking-7? why is it so important to be the alpha-male in this modern society we live in? why are material objects of such need with people?

i don't get it. why is everyone deliberately trying to bring others down while they raise themselves up? there's so much i don't understand about people, and that's why i hate them. we hate what we don't understand. i just can't stand the lot of them. so superficial and so unreal. the putting down; a typical conversation has to only consist of me making you look like a fucking idiot while i look cool. the showing off; everything i have has to be better than what you have and everyone has to know that. the dumbshit accessories; i've got to wear a summer scarf, dumbshit glasses, tight-ass glitter pants and look like i haven't had enough time to shower because i've been partying too hard.

no i'll never undertand what goes on in people's minds because i can honestly say i don't consider myself one of them. cliche as it sounds, i am my own person and am constantly learning to break myself away from the pack simply by observing how stupid everyone is. i hate it too. i wish i was ignorant and stupid enough to be happy in such simplicity. or maybe i'm the one who's more simple. it's hard to be someone else but i damn well prefer it.

i don't own a diary.

i don't know what else to do. i don't know where else to turn. i don't know what i should do. i don't care where i am or who's around me. i'm stuck in a constant turmoil. my thoughts are paraded by thoughts of loss, sadness, regret, confusion, and for most everything else- apathy. the one thing in my life right now that could bring me absolute happiness is gone. in a world where all i know is let-down and disappointment, her eyes could bring me back to the other side of the universe and remind me that there's still something pure here. but she's gone, and so with her all of my hope. i'm alone.

holy cow.

it's finally kicking in that this is my last year in high school, or any kind of government related curriculum for as far as i know. i know, it doesn't seem natural to worry about that, but what you have to understand is that i've seen four separate graduations in my lifetime starting back when i first started school. i'm the last one graduating in the family.

but that's not what is striking me the most. its really setting in, and that question, "what am i going to do?" crosses my mind a lot. of course, i have an idea of what i want to do. but that's the point. i don't want a definite I AM GOING TO DO THIS mentality. i don't like schedules. i don't like being told what to do. i mean sure, i can work, and will probably have to. but i'll do it when i have to do it. stable income is just a prefix to assimilation. i don't want to become reliant on money. i don't want loans or debt, for sure. but, in the same respect, i don't want to have money all the time. living a while without money reminds you how superficial money is. it's paper. but only without it long enough.

but i can't do any of this without a car. i figured i don't want to walk out of texas. i want to zoom out of here, but i don't want to take the bus. i need to be alone for this, for one, and i don't want to be told when i can step out of the vehicle. plus, have you SEEN the movie 'speed'? and i'm thinking i want to take my dog, but maaaybe. i do have a direction i want to point my life though. west. west to california, oregon, washington, canada. west is best. and just roll with what comes a long for a while. i do want to go a certain school, to learn how to do something that i'd like to do, but i'll do that when i feel i should.

so, i feel i have my life figured out in the sense that i have just an idea of what i want to do.
but still, it's just an idea. it's not exactly what's going to happen for sure. things can go wrong. but things can go wrong for anybody. what's hitting me is how close i am to actually doing it.

lots of words and little voluntary time.

so what have i been thinking about in these past days? not much. it's been fantastic. i haven't been thinking much, more like just doing stuff. i went to the new high school i'll be going to. listening to and playing music. hanging out. i haven't had much time to think, and it was nice for a change. but, like the hangover after the party, i started thinking about the things i did and how they happened and who it happened with and why they happened. not to the point where it consumes me, but to an extent i don't like. and then i start thinking about all this irrelevant stuff.

like, how much different is life now, than how it was when our parents were growing up? us kids, we have a lot of luxury now 'a days. i blame the scifi channel. it was on that channel for two days straight and i just didn't feel like changing the channel. it's all just futuristic shit on that channel. reaching mars. living on mars. car chases on mars. i mean, what if that channel, by the end of my lifetime or sooner, will inspire people to actually do all those things?

think about it, when our parents were kids, they were exposed to very different environments than the youth experience now. back then, the most far-fetched space idea was "what if aliens come here on earth?!"... as far as i know, if we do reach mars, we might technically be called aliens.

other than stuff about space travel, i think about how different television, cooking, cleaning, talking, and walking have changed and the lack of internet, satellites, cell phones, and ipods since back then.

technical and revolutionary miracle differences, coupled with much different moral standards than we have now(you can't deny this is a more 'explicit' society) leave me to ask again what i asked earlier: how much different is life now, than how it was when our parents were growing up?

seriously.

i've been thinking lately about how much i've changed in the past couple of years. as much as i hate high school, it's done good things by helping me sort out the bad and unnecessary from my life. it's helped me to gain an omnipotent view of things. often in the midst stressful situations i find myself having an out-of-body experience, seeing passed my personal bias toward an ethical solution.

but, i think i'm growing out of that. see, to me, life isn't about being ethical, logical, optimistic, narcissistic, pessimistic, or any kind of -istic. life is simply about living. crude as that sounds, nothing could be more true. to over-analyze things is to take the fun out of the unexpected. the very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure; more true words by christopher mccandless. he goes on to say "the joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun." i've read these words and repeated them to myself over and over but never really caught the true meaning, even though it seems explicit... living a calm, planned and secure lifestyle should be criminal.

do you know how lucky you are to be human? we are the only species that are aware of itself. the only animal to be able to create things that can create things. to be human is to have won the lottery a thousand times in a row, AND further yet, to be born and live in the strongest country in the world. what does this mean? well what can't it mean? you are in a position to do anything you want, not simply survive. to waste a lifetime devoting yourself to playing it safe and living year by year, quarter by quarter, set time period to set time period is just... criminal. you're robbing yourself of potential.

try it out. forget all of your engagements, close ties to people, relationships with material possessions. don't weigh yourself down. families are for people over thirty. don't settle for where you are when you haven't been anywhere else. live your life unplugged from society and the lead it wants to put in your pockets. live an acoustic lifestyle.

real quick.

i wonder if most people get a sense, a real sense, of how small we are. sit outside when there's a clear night sky, and just look up. us humans, we tend to think of ourselves as the center of it all. the spotlight is always on us. the universe is vast, to say the least. there's so much out there that we can't explain and don't even know about. i once saw a chart comparing the earth to the sun, and then the sun to some other star, and that star to some nebula, and with each progressing entity the earth became exponentially smaller. i think by the third star, the earth couldn't even be related to it in size like you would a grain of sand compared to the earth itself. we are just too small to compare to most anything else in the universe. im hoping whoever reads these are almost sort of satisfied.

beer night at AA.

i am writting outside right now, in my patio. its pretty peaceful outside, IN THE SHADE, in laredo. my dog is over there chewing on something, aaand my cat is over there doing something. i have a clothes line with all white clothes on it. for seconds at a time, i think i'm in some southern cotton field in the 18th century with a laptop computer. i like what the feeling of being outside gives you, because most of the time it's any feeling you like. if you close your eyes outside, the different sounds, familiar and unfamiliar can make you feel like you're somewhere totally different. inside, in that constantly flowing a/c, the silence in between cycles, monotone televisions and cell phones, and droopy faint voices of family members, its just a drag to listen to and not listen to that every second of the day. i couldn't imagine a person who could do that.

its days like this that i assess the days until summer is over and i really won't have the time to do this anymore. i hhhhaaaatteee school and almost everything in it. its just all the stuff you're forced to deal with there. people you dislike, authority you dislike, those fluorescent lights. school use to be a pretty cool place, like in elementary school. where you studied one thing each day(recess every day), until friday, the test, and then you play the rest of the day. high school is all about stress man. stress stress stress, and they justify it by saying that's what the rest of your life is going to be from college 'til death. nooo way. if doing that is going do what they say, i'd just rather not. but i know it would be rewarding to earn that diploma, and gain the rest of life's possible fruits, but i guess i'm just not into that taste.

this summer has been a really shitty one by far. i think the ratio of good things to bad things would be 1:35. i guess i'm so angsty to leave this place because i have a lot of bad memories, bad relationships, and nothing to accomplish here. i don't know what i'm going to do, but i know i won't do it here. i don't even want to do anything in texas. i want to see things, people, and places. all of it, everywhere. i just want to go to different places until i find something i want to accomplish, and when i do, i'll just go somewhere else and start again at something. but this is all i know, and that's the future. i shouldn't try to crystal ball it. laydazz.