holy cow.

it's finally kicking in that this is my last year in high school, or any kind of government related curriculum for as far as i know. i know, it doesn't seem natural to worry about that, but what you have to understand is that i've seen four separate graduations in my lifetime starting back when i first started school. i'm the last one graduating in the family.

but that's not what is striking me the most. its really setting in, and that question, "what am i going to do?" crosses my mind a lot. of course, i have an idea of what i want to do. but that's the point. i don't want a definite I AM GOING TO DO THIS mentality. i don't like schedules. i don't like being told what to do. i mean sure, i can work, and will probably have to. but i'll do it when i have to do it. stable income is just a prefix to assimilation. i don't want to become reliant on money. i don't want loans or debt, for sure. but, in the same respect, i don't want to have money all the time. living a while without money reminds you how superficial money is. it's paper. but only without it long enough.

but i can't do any of this without a car. i figured i don't want to walk out of texas. i want to zoom out of here, but i don't want to take the bus. i need to be alone for this, for one, and i don't want to be told when i can step out of the vehicle. plus, have you SEEN the movie 'speed'? and i'm thinking i want to take my dog, but maaaybe. i do have a direction i want to point my life though. west. west to california, oregon, washington, canada. west is best. and just roll with what comes a long for a while. i do want to go a certain school, to learn how to do something that i'd like to do, but i'll do that when i feel i should.

so, i feel i have my life figured out in the sense that i have just an idea of what i want to do.
but still, it's just an idea. it's not exactly what's going to happen for sure. things can go wrong. but things can go wrong for anybody. what's hitting me is how close i am to actually doing it.